Serial Crank Calling
by Artemis Phoenix
Summary: After Dean Ambrose beats the hell out of Seth Rollins at Battleground, then gets himself thrown out of the building by Triple H and WWE Staff, he starts to get on Seth's nerves with a phone call. Based on John Waters' Serial Mom. Rated M for swearing and a lewd photo.


**Disclaimer: **I don't owe anything. Everything belongs to John Waters and WWE.

_Author's Note: This is based off the scene in John Waters' film, _Serial Mom_, where the title character Beverly Sutphin (Played by Kathleen Turner) crank calls poor Dottie Hinkle (Played by Mink Stole). Here's the link to the video. youtudotbe(slash)xUZOexiCFmE._

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There was supposed to be a match scheduled for _Battleground _between Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. Blame Dean for fucking it up. No, blame Seth. He turned his back on Dean and Roman Reigns when they were The Shield. He joined the neoliberal corporate pricks that call themselves The Authority, led by Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. In Dean's book, that was as low as Seth could get. You never turn your back on your brothers.

With that in mind, Dean beat Seth up before their match.

Then Hunter, referees, and the road agents stopped the fight. Hunter had Dean banned from entering the arena afterwards.

But, Dean is a Sagittarian. Normally, Sadges get angry then move on quickly. Unfortunately, the things Seth have done, Dean made sure he would remember.

Because once you piss off a Sagittarian, they don't forget the wrongs you have made.

So, when Seth came to the ring to declare that he won the match by forfeit, that's when Dean fucked him up. Again, Hunter and WWE staff had to physically remove Dean and throw him out into the street. Ten minutes later, Hunter tossed Dean's belongings, including his…favorite…teddy bear, Mr. Jingleheimer-Schmidt (Don't ask). "This ain't over," Dean spoke to the plush bear. "This ain't over. We'll get that backstabbing little pussy, if it's the last thing we'll do."

When Seth got checked out in the trainer's room for any damages his former best friend have done, his phone vibrated. He checked his messages and saw a photo. A lewd photo of Dean's cock with the message of, _"I'LL GET YOU, CUNT FACE!"_

_Goddamn him!_ were the thoughts that entered Seth's mind. This wasn't the first time Dean did immature shit like this. Whenever someone got to Dean Ambrose in this state, he would pull obscene pranks to the point where he got his ass whooped, or he had no choice but to stop when the victim would threaten legal action (and the Prison-Industrial-Complex).

When he showered and changed into street clothes in his private locker room later that night, Seth's phone vibrated again. "Don't answer it, Seth," he muttered to himself. The phone vibrated again and again, annoying him. Assuming it could've been someone important, Seth promptly picked it up and answered, "Hello?"

_"Is this the cocksucker I'm speakin' to?"_ was Dean on the other line, his voice a few pitches deep, gritty, and a bit menacing.

"Goddamnit, Dean!" yelled Seth. "Stop fuckin' with me! You already kicked my ass tonight! What more do you want?!"

_"Is this 867-STD?!"_ Dean said sing song-like, making sure it jumped onto Seth's nerves like a bratty child jumping rope.

"Grow the fuck up, asshole!" Seth's voice echoed the walls in his locker room.

_"Let me check the area code, is it five-six-three-BLOW ME?!"_

This was getting too much to take for Seth. Too much. "I'm gettin' the cops and the lawyers to track your ass down, you sonofabitch!" he warned Dean.

Seth heard cackling in the background. _"Aww…is I scarin' Sethie?"_Dean retorted with saccharine sarcasm. _"I dare ya to bring the fuckin' cops to my house, Seth Rollins, so I can give them a tutorial on how I kicked your pussy ass tonight!"_

"FUCK YOU!" Seth hung up. He paced back and forth around his locker room floor until he plastered himself against the wall and slid down to sit on the floor. He placed his hands onto his two-toned hair, trying hard not to pull any strands.

Meanwhile, in his hotel room, Dean bounced on the bed roaring with laughter. He wanted to do it again, by getting his…teddy bear…involved. He grabbed the stuffed bear and used the hotel room's phone to call Seth.

Two rings after, he could hear Seth scream out, _"DIDN'T I JUST SAY, 'FUCK YOU?!'"_

"I beg your pardon?" Dean responded in a throaty, nasal voice (mimicking his stuffed teddy bear).

_"Who is calling here?"_

"This is Mr. Jingleheimer-Schmidt from T-Mobile, I'm just checking to see if you are still interested in our one-time-only loyalty discount."

_"No, thank you, Mister…uh, Jingleheimer-Schmidt."_

"But you'll be paying 50% off your monthly bill! Well, is there anything I can help you with?"

_"Yeah, I need to block this number. There's this guy that's harassing me, and I'm getting pissed off. He's yelling obscenities and threatening me. I don't need this crap. Please help me."_

Back at the arena, Stephanie McMahon was on her way to Seth's locker room. She wanted to console him and to figure out next steps in dealing with Dean. She approached Seth's locker room and knocked on the door. She pressed her ear to the door as echoes of yelling came from the room.

Inside Seth's locker room…

_"Well, tell me, what does this sick individual say to you?" _Dean, as the teddy bear, asked Seth.

"I don't think I can say these words out loud," he responded. "I work in a family-friendly environment. I don't use bad language."

_"I know this is difficult, but I need to know the exact words so I can let my supervisor know before I take action."_

Seth was hesitant. "I'll try," he said, taking a deep breath. "C-cock-su…cocksucker. That's what he calls me."

All of a sudden…

_"LISTEN TO THAT MOUTH OF YOURS, YA FILTHY WHORE!"_Dean spoke normally, cackling in such a wicked manner.

"GODDAMN YOU!" Seth was livid. He wanted to strangle him the next time they would meet.

Outside of Seth's locker room, Stephanie could hear Seth yelling, and she was getting worried. She opened the door and watched Seth yelling at his smartphone.

_"MOTHERFUCKER!"_ She heard Dean's voice.

"COCKSUCKER!" yelled Seth as he hung up. He slammed his fist onto a coffee table and sat down. "Stephanie!" He turned, startled as the Principle Owner of WWE stood there with her arms folded. "I'm sorry. I—

She pointed to his smartphone, then berated and bitched about how she had _just_ finished teaching the entire locker room on proper phone etiquette. She was embarrassed and pissed off at how of all people in The Authority, she would catch Seth and his sailor mouth on the phone. Stephanie punished Seth with a $2,000 fine and he had to lose to Adam Rose (and the fucking bunny in a dark handicap match as to not make him suffer more).

Seth's night had ended with Dean getting the last laugh as he slept like a baby with his teddy bear Mr. Jingleheimer-Schmidt in his hotel room.

**THE END**

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Hope you liked it. I also run a Tumblr-google artemisphoenixfanfiction. Since I can't post overly naughty fiction ;-), Tumblr will have to do.

Review!


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